workshopping first draft

The biggest problem i had with the story is that it ends without a clear confirmation to whether or not the mouse was caught or not.  However throughout the whole story you keep relating how the mouse impacts the way you are and how he affects the way you think about yourself.  One thing I would ask yourself is do all the details relate to a central focus? Very descriptive details about the mouse when chasing throughout the house. Why does this story matter? Establish more of a connection between the mouse and how the relationship with the mouse affects your process of thinking at that point in your life. Were where you in the opening paragraph, explain more about setting.  Try to make your tone more up beat and not so melancholy i wanna say.

tragedy

The summer before my sophmore college i decided ti give up on what many consider the dream. An attempt to play junior hockey is what Im refering to.  From try out to try out i tried making multiple junior teams.  Then i eventually got what i wanted and made a team up in Canada.  however it conflicted with certain goals i had in my life and the fact that i wanted to go to college and get an education.  Pretty much what happened was that I played hockey my whole life and wanted to see some return out of it and i have a passion for the game that is undescribable so i wanted to continue playing competetive hockey.  So i went back at it and busted my ass over the remainder of the summer from which the previous i had taken off and gone to school.  Well when i eventually got what i wanted which was a spot on a junior team I realized that my education was more important and I should just go to school but i completely regret that decision.

Tragedy

In high school my mother was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma breast cancer. it affected my family in many ways.  The initial reaction I had was just mind blowing. I mean you hear about people getting cancer but when it happens to someone so close to you your taken back at first and your mind and the process of how you think is sort of grounded at first.  At that point in life your parents are your most important people in your life and to have such a thing happen I took a double take and thought for a while like why our family. Eventually though you just accept it and try to start helping in anyway you can.  What was difficult about the situation is that my mother is the type of person thats like dont worry ill be fine just do you and ill worry about the task at hand which was hard at first been then i settled in and realized the role I had in the whole situation.  I honestly would joke about it with her and act as a comic relief to the whole situation which i felt at the time really helped and I also made sure I did a standout job at everything i did whether it was sports or academics  and what not.  I can honestly say it didnt have that bad of an impact on the family yet its still one of those things where you sit back and think.....well holy shit what do i do now.  Financially it didnt take a toll which was good yet at first emotionally i felt it took a toll.  My mother was forced to get one of her breast removed which really didnt help her self esteem but now I feel she has come to terms with it and accepts it.

Truth Story

The worst lie I ever had was a time in high school when my parents went to Florida for a week and I ended up having a get together at my house.  I told my parents and they told me that no one will be in the house while they where gone.  So of course i invited a small amount of people over, roughly around thirty to forty.  My senior year was just wrapping up so my buddies and I may have indulged in some beverages and things started getting a little crazy.  Our basement had just got remodeled and someone put a hole in the sheet rock, which honestly wasnt that big of a deal.  The big deal is when my buddy tripped and spilt orange pop, which he was using as a chaser and an entire tin of chewing tobacco on the brand new white carpet.  So after some days went by i had to figure out what id do.  I went to the hardware store and rented a carpet cleaner and that didnt work so i did the only thing i could do and told the most elaborate lie that i still live up to, to this day.  I did what any other person would do..............I blamed it on the dog.  I feel like my parents saw right through it when they asked why it was orange and black.  I told them our dog got sick.  Honestly i dont think they bought it at all but it whatever, because there wasnt a single negative repercussion from the whole thing.

Timmy O'Brian conception of truth

Tim Obrians concept of truth is very straight forward and direct when telling a story.  In his essay he doesnt make anyone sound any better then they actually are and thats strange especially when telling a story about someones death.  Everything he states is factual but within his own language and tone that he established right away in the story.  He states everything with purpose in his essay but he does it so nonchalant. He states in his article a true War Story cannot be believed so he makes his arguement really strong by having that "who cares if they believe, I believe" attitude.  His conception of truth differs from mine because with a story that seemed so fragile I would have made certain individuals sound like they had stronger character.

Teacher Scene

In a warm stuffy computer lab in 7th grade I asked my teacher if i could go to the restroom.  She looked me in the eyes and gave me a solid NO.  The entire class looking at me as i stood there beyond embarrased.  I continued to ask repeatedly and got the same answer every time. Eventually she caved in but told me that if i did go i would be suspended. I called my father and asked him if he was alright with me going but accepting suspension.  He said yeah go ahead i got your back and so that was that. Well later that day i was sitting inside in school suspension.  Later that day my parents had come in to meet with my teacher.  My story and her story didnt match up one bit and yet my parents said they believed her before me.  The next day at school she threw me a packet of about 400 math problems and told me i was in ISS for the rest of the week.

Worst teacher

The worst teacher i ever had was my 7th grade math teacher.  She was a little chunky women with a squirrly type face and a very annoying voice.  She had it out for me since day 1.  There was a time when i got my test back and she had given me an F for not showing work and i brought my exam to the assistant principal and found out i should have got a B.  One time i had to go to the bathroom and i told her i had to she said absolutely not, so i called my father and he said just go who cares about any negative reprocussions. So i just went to the bathroom and when i got back to class she had an in-school suspension packet waiting for me and i had to spend the remainder of the week in ISS.  Not once before i had this teacher did i go to in-school suspension and with this teacher i went on 5 other incidents.  There where times where i would hand in homework and she would misplace it and say i never handed it in.  So one night i did my homework in front of my parents and told them i was gonna hand it in and i did but guess what, i didnt get any credit for it.  So i decided to call her out and then got ISS again.  One time i even heard her refer to me as a little shit and i laughed right at her cause she knew i heard and she thought she was gonna be in deep.  She ended up giving me B's throughout the whole year and on the last day of 7th grade i remember her saying goodbye to everyone in the class with high fives as you walked out the door and it was my turn and i rejected her and said nothing.